Just a few disclaimers before I get into this blog post. I am not, in anyway shape or form writing this for attention or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am writing about this because I believe that there isn’t enough HONEST information on this topic online, and its something I could have used when I was dealing with this. Secondly, I believe that as a society if anything happens to us personally , we feel a level of shame and can be branded as ‘attention seeky’ if we try and be open and honest with our thoughts and feelings. I think that is such a shitty way to look at things. If it takes one person to spill their own feelings online to make others who may be dealing with the same but are suffering in silence less alone, then I will happily be the pebble that causes the ripple. And finally, this is going to be a VERY long post.
Ok. So here goes. On the 17th of August 2016, I had a miscarriage. Right off the bat, I already know people will have questions regarding that one sentence alone. I’ll try and answer the main questions first.
Was I taking contraception and was my partner and I trying to get pregnant? Yes I was, and no we most certainly weren’t. My boyfriend and I have many goals in life and having kids is one of them, but not for many many years. We want to experience so many things before we decide to take that GIANT leap in life. This is something I have made a whole separate post about, but I had switched from the contraceptive implant which is fitted in the upper arm, to the pill. However, it wasn’t the “typical” pill that is generically given out. I suffer from migraines, so I am unable to take those. I also can not take another type of pill, as I suffer from a peanut allergy, and doctors are advised to not give this pill to people with that issue. *side note, i’ve tried googling the names of these pills but google isn’t helping, its just giving me long confusing medical terms. If anyone could help me out, that would be great*. So the pill I was given is known for basically being a bitch to take. Usually the ‘normal’ pill, you can forget to take it for a few hours and you will still be covered, this one has to be taken at the EXACT same time everyday. If you’re half an hour late taking it, thats 24 hours you will not be covered for. Anyone who knows me knows I’m uptight and very anal about anything like this, as I could never see myself becoming a mother at such a young age, I still believe I have my own life to live before I can create another. I took it every single day, at the same time. If I knew I would be at work a little later than normal, then I would take them to work with me. If I knew I was out all day, I always had a strip in my purse just to make sure. Except one day I didn’t take it. I had come home from work and I must have taken a nap and woke up and just decided to take it a little later than usual. It only took 24 hours, and a simple slip of the mind, to create another life. But enough about that, ill save that for another time too.
How did I know I was pregnant? Long story short, I just knew. Its a very hard thing to explain and I think only people have every been pregnant can explain it. You just know. My boobs grew twice their size and even putting a bra on made my eyes water. My taste buds were playing up, badly. I would take a sip of a simple drink that I knew I loved, like Ribena, and wanted to vomit everywhere. Along with that, I was hungry, ALL THE TIME. I would eat and eat and never felt 100% full. I was waking up in the morning with no energy and I couldnt keep my eyes open for more than 6 hours at a time. If you google early pregnancy signs, I had pretty much every single one of them. I had a pregnancy test left over in my room, as I remembered I had one saved that I bought for a friend. So still convinced I was totally in the clear and I was just scaring myself and over reacting, I took it. I can not explain to you the feeling I had when I saw two lines come back instead of one. My heart fell out of my arse. I’m not the type that can keep stuff to myself and if I try to, its almost always written on my face anyway, so I ran to the one person who I can be open with most in the world, my mum. If it wasn’t for this magnificent woman, I think it would have been harder too deal with alone. She didn’t say anything, she just hugged me until the tears stopped falling, and that took a while. A few weeks later, my boyfriend and I were about to head off on holiday and we knew anything like an abortion would have to be discussed and planned after we got back. We never got to that stage, clearly. It should also be noted that I was still taking my pill daily up until the date I had taken the test.
So my days went on as normal as I knew I had a very little time frame between my holiday and any decisions we wanted to make. By this I mean if we wanted to consider an abortion, all of that would have to be put into action after our holiday as its something that you need to book time for and it has been know for certain individuals to need a recovery time too. I also want to state that I am someone who believes that people should be allowed to exercise their rights to have abortions if they believe thats what they want. So its no secret that that was an option that my boyfriend and I were discussing day in and day out. Its something that either of us took lightly or felt like we could do and just mentally both be okay right away. I have known many people who find out they are pregnant and without blinking can go and have an abortion and carry on like life is fine. For some that might just be their way of coping, but it certainly wasn’t going to be mine. Im not here to have an open discussion about this topic as I believe whatever people believe is totally down to each persona as an individual. I would never force my opinions on anyone, and I would hope others felt the same. So on the 17th of August I went to work just like I was doing every single day, but I had a little bit of spotting. Spotting is light bleeding if you didn’t know. Its totally normal and isn’t seen as a medical emergency. Its at this point I should say that I have a very high pain threshold. I can handle a lot. After a few hours it went from a very light bleeding to heavy painful bleeding, to the point where my underwear was ruined and I went through two night time pads in the space of a few hours. TMI I know. I knew what was happening but I didn’t want to admit it just yet. My wonderful boyfriend told me to go to A&E, but I’m the type of person who doesn’t like going to the hospital as I don’t like to feel like a burden. My arm could be hanging from my shoulder completely coming off, and I would still try and avoid going because I don’t want to take up anyones time, knowing there are people worse off. So I was seen pretty quickly, around an hour or so, and then a doctor called me in for a screening of my ‘south mouth’. Ew cringe. When I say this woman was the least sympathetic creature I have ever had the misfortune of interacting with, I’m not joking. I was treated like I was ordering food at McDonalds. I walked in, was told “yeah looks like you had a miscarriage, but you can go now” and then left. I sobbed for ages. In the car on the way home, in bed, at the shops. I didn’t think it was possible to cry that much. I didn’t want people to ask me how I was because I knew I’d feel worse, so I asked my boyfriend to take me shopping. Big mistake. I couldnt even stomach food because of how much pain I was in. I was tossing and turning all night, bleeding through all my clothes and just crying. It wasn’t the prettiest sight, to tell the truth.
While I was going through all this, I felt totally alone. I know this is a very common thing during pregnancy and unfortunately around 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had people by my side the whole way that have experienced the same thing, but I still felt like I was the only person that felt this. I felt like I was to blame. I felt ashamed that my body could do such an evil thing to me. I felt like I could be classed as useless because I was unable to do something some women dream about and believe they are made for. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to go on holiday or even smile. I felt useless. I felt like the world was against me and it was winning. Now this is the part that I wanted to talk about. Google isn’t the best thing to do when it comes to things like this. You know how they say if you’re ill you shouldn’t google your symptoms, because 80% of the time it leads to an answer like ‘you have cancer’? This is no exception. Most things you can find are either so wrong and not close to what happens at all, or they’re just mean and spread negativity. Thats why I’m writing this, because I would hope that by opening up fully, so others can maybe relate to my story.
So here are a few tips I have with dealing with the loss and things that the internet say, that just aren’t true:
You will live with the pain forever. I’m not saying you will be sad all day everyday or even think about it everyday, but you will carry this around with you for the rest of your life. When you see random mothers with their babies in shops or on buses, you will have a new outlook and look at them in a different way. I am someone who has never wanted children. I couldn’t picture myself being able to look after another human being, but after this I don’t feel that way anymore. I now have an open mind and plan on having a children someday. Every pregnancy announcement you see online, will be a reminder of your loss. You might find yourself thinking “oh if I was still pregnant i’d be this far along” or “they would be this old” and you are allowed to do that. It does get easier everyday. Everyday you remember the amazing things that you do and have accomplished from your time on this planet, and everyday it gives you meaning to get out of bed and be a total boss for the day.
You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to cry every hour of every day if it makes you feel better. There is no time limit on healing. You are allowed to feel like shit, and take time to yourself. You’re allowed to be a bitch and demand things like ice cream or Pizza Hut. If you have the money to do so, plan a holiday. Take a trip away. Plan a date night. Do anything that an take your mind off it or make you feel better. Even if its just putting adult clothes on and going to ASDA for a few extra snacks for a giant Netflix binge. Take all the time you think you need.
Surround yourself with fabulous and lovely people. I wouldn’t have got through this without the people I call family. My mum, my aunt, my boyfriend and his family. Everyone you believe have your best interest at heart, will be there. I didn’t have the greatest circle to start off with, and it took something like this to really help me see that. The amount of people I talk to and tell my story to and connect with because they too, have dealt with this type of loss. My aunt hand made me a card covered in glitter and penguin stickers, because they’re my favourite, its little things like that, that make it easier everyday.
It does hurt. I read online from women saying that they didn’t even feel anything and that women who say it hurt, need to and I quote “just get over it”. Its true, some people might be able to deal with the pain, but to others its mental pain too. There will be a lot of blood depending on how far along you are. I was just over 9 week so, to me, it was a lot of blood. Where i sat, every time I bled, my underwear was soaked with blood. Try and wear the oldest and ugliest clothes you own, just make sure they’re comfy. Try and take the next 24-48 hours as easy as possible. You need to remember your body is going through a lot of stress.
Im going to link a few places that you can go if you’re going through this or have been through this and are struggling, and believe you need someone to talk to. If you believe there is no one for you to talk to, like family or friends, then please don’t feel scared or ashamed to contact someone for help. I promise you, you aren’t alone. If you just want to get in contact and share your experiences with me, then I will leave my email at the end of this post, or my social medias are linked above.
I hope regardless of what pain and suffering you’re going through, if it’s similar to me or its something totally different, that you find the whatever light you’re looking for and it will guide you back home and back to happiness.
Megan Rose Wing